"'Truth is strange," you know, "stranger than fiction' - besides being more to the point" - Edgar Allan Poe

June 12, 2007

A letter to every bully you and I have ever met

[kinda random, but I had fun writing it :) ]
[it's marked FICTION, so please, don't be a douche and be all judgmental]

I could take you on, you know.

So I'm skinny. I'm not short, but a lifetime of slouching takes off makes me look 5 inches shorter.
My arms are sticks.

I think I'm mildly calcium deficient, so the bones aren't so strong. Heck, the enamel on my teeth is below average, that's why it hurts my gums when I eat ice cream.

But I could still take you on.

This is the worst that you could do to me- You could kill me. But I know you won't, because bullies like you want to see their victims suffer. Maybe not, but I'm still sure.

Mistake 1: you assume I'm a victim, and am giving up. BZZZZT, wrong!

So you're going to hurt me, probably break a few bones? My friend, fuck you, that's nothing a couple of weeks of alcohol and nurses can't fix.

[nurses, sigh. but anyway]

perhaps you're going to call me names. Go right ahead, knock yourself out.

Mistakes 2,3,4: you think I'm scared, mentally weak, and give a rat's ass.

[And for all I know, you might actually like rodent behinds.]

Mistake 5: you think it ends after you beat me.

Let's begin by telling you that you're not walking away from me unscathed. I will definitely be kicking you in your balls, and landing my heel on your kneecap HARD. The base of my palm will push some amount of your nose in, and what cartilage doesn't kill you, will hurt like hell. A swinging elbow to your ear stings like a bitch, and before you know it, atleast one of your eyes is in danger of becoming gelatinous pulp.

Stupidly enough, people around the 2 of us will be cheering ME on at this point of time.

Sure, you'll win in the end, but while I might be lying all curled up all dirtied with dirt and blood, I'm quite certain you're going to limp away.

Now, excuse me while I laugh a bit before I continue. HAHAHAHA. Right. Why do I laugh?
Because it's not over, bitch!

You have a history, you have a present, and you have a fucking week ahead of you I can assure you will not be fucking peaceful.

You have fists. I have brains, friends, and a geek aptitude for dealing with pieces of shit.

You wake up, get ready to head for office/college/whatever it is you do when the hse becomes too smelly... and you notice your bike mirrors are missing. As are a few screws. and rubber piping. and the seats, and...
you don't want to know what I put into your exhaust. I only suggest you get yourself lots of disinfectant back home.

How could have this happened? Especially with the security guard around?
You have fists. I have a software programmer's salary, which I don't spend on shiny hair.

Your girlfriend refuses to pick up calls. And man, I have to tell you, fucking with your love life was the most fun part of last evening. Fun fun FUN! Don't even bother, not only is she pissed with you, she's also scared of you and won't be able to see your bare chest again without being really disgusted. Fun fun FUN!!!

Pay the overpriced auto, and get to wherever you're going. Might as well get this day over with. Especially when you realize your friends aren't picking up your calls either. They heard about the "incident" with the vacuum cleaner, bitch! And how do I know?

You have fists. I've got access to your secrets, ridiculously badly hidden as they are. Your mom just LOVES talking about you and how she's so proud of you, did you know that?

Fun fun FUN!

Please, don't walk along the main road. My buds are riding around with those tiny 40 rupee cans of paint. I'd rather use that to repaint my wii, wouldn't want to waste it on you.

Oh, so you don't have a bike, you only have a car?
Do you know that you cam insure every part of the car... except for the windshield? Seriously, go look it up. And fixing the beading itself should take a bout a couple of grand.
You got fists, I got sticks and stealth.

Ok, so we got you a bad morning. And you don't even know what we dumped into your water tank. Whatever.
Revenge, my friend, is best when it's agonizingly long, stretched out, and oohboy fun fun FUN!

A piece of advice - avoid open windows and cushioned chairs.

You have fists. I have time on my hands.

Your boss is going to complain. Your folks are going to complain. Your friends are dying laughing behind your back. You're noticing you're missing money. Lots. Your balls still hurt, and the swelling in your eye isn't going away.

So you come up to me to make peace. And to beg forgiveness. And you fold your hands and say, "please, if you have mercy, just let me be", or some such shit.

At this point I reap the investment I made in my authentic ninja shuriken. Fun fun FUN!



Saturday Night Takeout said...

Testing new comment system.

Citrus said...

Mic test testing 1 2 3 check testing

Czar said...

fun fun FUN!
Kickass FUN!

I am gonna mail the link to every bully I have come across.. :)

Dont fuck with the geeks..

Sam said...

If you fuck with the geeks - even if you kill them, they will have their revenge. Their

Sam said...

fuck, blogger ate my comment. I will have my revenge on you blogger. just you wait.

Gooseberry said...


aiyyyoooooo sweetiiieeee said...

is this your version of "sex and violence" you were threatened in to writing about?

byker7 said...

written, i presume, on the banks of the river Ankh.

Saturday Night Takeout said...

All, thank you for feeding my remasculation :)

Dyadeee said...

well written
snazzy comments

M said...

okay. that was just weird. :|

Vishal said...


Mrinal said...

After having no contact with you in years, stumbling on this was very hmm scary/refreshing. How are you doing my man?

Saturday Night Takeout said...

I am doing superfine, etc :) Gotcha on facebook, I shall be in touch. And dude, you joined Emperor Billpatine on the Dark side? Wooo.

Anonymous said...

yoohooo...nice one...cud hae been a little more morbid maybe :P