"'Truth is strange," you know, "stranger than fiction' - besides being more to the point" - Edgar Allan Poe

March 28, 2006

WeekendRoundup - Of NiceGuys, Cheeslings and FishCurryRice (AKA JumpTheShark)

You know something's wrong when you wake up on a Monday Morning and have no idea where you are.

And when it hits you that you're on the lawn of your own house is when the alarm bells in your head go crazy.

Especially since you're only in a tshirt and boxers.

Aargh. I think we'll have to rewind and tell the story from the beginning.

Remember the cheesling post on Friday? I very conveniently didn't post a detail that'd happened on Thursday. You see, I was done with yet another day at the office, had cancelled dinner with the polar bear, and was working on the net till sometime close to midnight. The folks are upstairs watching tv, and I'm packing up after a long conversation with the sister. Walking towards the fridge to get out the guava nectar (yummo) I'm passing the housemaid... but I don't.

She makes a move on me.

Look, I'm quite sure it was a move. Not accidental. I can say this because there was a form of, um, er, grabbing involved.

Let's just say the family heirlooms were in danger.

I, of course, reacted the way any SunilPai would; that's to say I went "gasp!" and ran away at the speed of light. Locked myself into my room, took a few deep breaths and said what I'd normally say under such circumstances.

"What the ^%*$%^$^ (%^*$^%$% ?!"

Needless to say, the lock stayed put the whole night, as did my pants. I didn't even get my guava nectar.

[dramatic pause]

It happened again the next night.

[shame eww gross aargh]

Relax, the pants were on the whole time. As a matter of fact, I think my jeans have grafted themselves on to my thighs so it makes removing them plain impossible. Besides, this is just yet another time when the Gods get together in their divine rec-room and think, "How do we mess with Pai's destiny today?". I'm doomed, never should have told them that I'd gone atheist (yes yes, paradoxironical, I know)

So Saturday, I did what was expected. I ran farther away. Took half the day off, met with up with the metrochIca in Mojo's and didn't move butt till evening. This, of course, was even more depressing since she looked WOW and I was in my crummy kurta-lookalike. Whatever. Then, got myself invited to a LoungePiranha Jam session (those guys are good, and got suitably impressed with the stuff I loaned them from my giganto hard drive. I say 'loaned' because OMG, I am SO going to make them regret the favour) and headed for ScottishWines to meet the women.

Of course, I was also mighty drunk by this time, so I promptly decided to let the loose lips run and make a fool of myself.

Factor 1: A new woman's at the table. She's undescribably want-able, if you get my drift.
Factor 2: My cheesling theory isn't going down too well, and I need fresh material to spruce up my FunnyGuy reputation.
Factor 3: More wine at the table = more wine in my tummy.

So, idiot that I am, I decide to tell them the housemaid story.

As you can imagine, this counts amongst the worst decisions ever made by a human, equivalent probably to the time they decided to make Sosyo (yucky).

I must tell you this. When you're stony drunk, you don't recognize for about twenty minutes that the people around you aren't laughing at your joke, but they're laughing at YOU. When the fact hits, however, it's plain cruel. And it can only get worse.

Of course, you also make the mistake of thinking more alcohol will help.

Godammit.

Anyway, long story short, I messed up my rep for the next few months, stayed the night at the BroInLaw's place(this is what he had to say about it), chain smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, and woke up next morning for the weekly KQA quiz. Got into the finals, sucked there, reached Koshy's with Rajib, the bear, got a lot of new comics/music/anime from Beatzo, and reached home in time for Dinner.

Yes, home. In proximity of the maid again.

Er.

Thankfully, no more Pi-molestation occured, and I decided to stuff my face with my aunt's God-fabulous FishCurryRice, and went back onto the net.

Depressing. Opinion on the cheesling post was mixed. And Spai and Pirates are having some totally weird love-hate relationship in the comments section that I have no intention of stepping into (I repeat, I am NOT stepping into it). Also, V_ was also back online, and conversation with her and left me more mixed up than ever. Harumph.

Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. It's late in the night. My mind's delving into a whirl of misunderstandings, expectations, and missed chances. I'm standing on the lawn, feeling the grass between my toes and the wind on my face. Man, I'm confused.

Also, I'm scared to go back inside the house, because the maid's there. Duh. I lock up the house FROM THE OUTSIDE, lie down on the lawn, and then proceed to have the best sleep I've had in three days.

Honestly, what better option did I have?

23 Comments:

byker7 said...

Holy crotch grabs, batman! "Squish!" "SQUASH!" "SQUEEZE!"

Let's see now... you land up at my place, smashed out of your wits. Yelling at the top of your voice, during normal conversation.

I ask you if you're smashed (rhetorical question, really) and you deny this vehemently.

Again, at the top of your voice.

So I decide to leave you to your devices, which happen to be glugging the specially aged 8 yeard old Bacardi dark that's lying around mi casa. And passing out, with a full glass of the ambrosia left out on the balcony for me to discover the next morning.

And you don't tell me any of this? I have to read your bloody blog to find out?

I'm assuming this lapse of borther-in-lawly affection, bonhomie and mutual trust is purely because you know the ass-takihg potential of this little ditty.

Anyway... perhaps you should consider opening an employment agency.

I can see it now: "Pi's People. Domestic help that goes over, above, and under the line of duty."

aMoo.StillThatOne.(gee) said...

*bites lower lip*
*chews. chews. chews.*

iwillnotlaughatpi'splight.
iwillnotlaughatpi'splight.
iwillnot-

*is wiping eyes*

retrospect will the do the same to you.
take care, kid.

Harjee Kapur said...

ha ha ha...

The pirates are here said...

So you decide that leaving your, ahem, back end, open to billions of fellow humans will make your, ahem, front end, feel safer?

Good decision, boy. Good decision.

Aiyyoooo sweeettiiieeeee said...

Pi and G sitting on a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Must have been quite the deja vu feeling eh? Was there a judgement passed on your overall whiteness this time around too?

SPai said...

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww.... get her out!!!

worldisaverysmallplace said...

dude...last nite...i did try to share this story with the guyz.
since my condition was imbalanced, they did not get the essence of watever i was trying to tell em.
BTW, one of them asked if ur maid works somewhere in sadhashiv nagar area..he is "very" interested !!!!

Pi said...

About time I answered all these comments.

Byker7, I apologize for the loss of a peg, if nothing else. Considering the amount of asstaking I'm now in for though, I'm so sure it'll be worth it for you, however. Can you understand how scared I am now? Then again, having you take my ass is always a better option than the maid "taking my ass", if you get my drift.

Harjee, Hi! I'm glad my displeasure is the source of your laughter. (Er, not really, but hi anyway.)

Pirates, erm. Excuse me while I ignore you. Or should I rather set Spai loose on you?

Sweety, erm again. "Overall whiteness"... sheesh.

Spai, Like, duh. Am keeping her out.

worldisaverysmallplace, yes, she does. Also, she's imbalanced too, so you guys should get along like a pair of pants on fire!

Pi said...

Oh yes, and Amoo, am taking care. Really, this is proof I'm a really nice guy, no? Considering I should have taken advantae of the situation, it can mean that I'm a morally upright guy (pun intended)

That, or that I'll never lose the capital 'L' from my forehead.

Oh well.

worldisaverysmallplace said...

pi

she does. wow.awessooome. Perhaps u can share the secret of ur success with them next thursday nite !!

Pi said...

You are SO missing the point here. There's no 'success' involved. Which part of "ran away at the speed of light" did you not get?

worldisaverysmallplace said...

pi

by 'success'..i mean the attraction part. there must have been something, that you would've done, that captured her attention!!!

think over it. Perhaps u can solve ur problem to if u find the root !!!

Pi said...

That does it. Today, I'm shaving.

worldisaverysmallplace said...

shaving????

where excatly??? :D

aMoo.NotEyCow. said...

proof of niceness? the woman KNEW you wouldn't do anything! nice? that's chicken!
*snicker*

if you did take advantage of sitch,
you would be maid-less right now.

that would still not erase the L board.
(pun intended too) your aunt would've had serious issues with your lodging then.

and what is that? oh-i-finally-noticed-you-commented-level-addendum?

byker7 said...

I fail to undertsnad a few things here...

How is it that not having sex with your underage maid makes you a nice guy? Is this how low the benchmarks are these days? That makes me Mother Theresa re-incarnated then.

Secondly, in which dimension/space-time continuum would having sex with your underage maid erase the 'L' from your forehead? I would think it's something that would brand an 'L' on your anatomy with a red hot iron.

Since I'm sure this will be a core part of your (hopefully-never-to-be-published) autobiography, here are a few handy titles for the passage, a-la TOI:

How Pi Almost Maid It.

The Maid Who Made The First Move.

Marauding Maids At Midnight.

I've Got It Maid.

Maid In India.

Lithography: Art? Or Science?

Spai said...

Science I say Science.. all about the chemistry... :)

aMoo.Cowness. said...

underage?
That changes things a little..

I agree with The Biking BIL.

Also, make a new post before more people do.

And refrain from saying stupid things like "damn, I let that opportunity go"

And as you can see, I'm going to rip your head off the next time I see you. "I will scan and send it" huh?

kiki said...

Heh heh entertaining story Pi .
Only you will have these sorta fascinating tales top tell .
My symapthies with thou !

kiki said...

Pi only you will have such fascnating tales to tell .
Why you I ask ?
hehe hehe my sympathies with you !

Harjee Kapur said...

HAHAHA

And this time it is thanks to byker.
I wonder if this is what he does to his bro in law...what will happen to the rest of the world.
us punjabi's have a saying that goes

saari khudaai ek taraf, joru ka bhai ek taraf
(obligation to creator and creations one side, and wifes brother one side)

dude, if i were you i'd give it right back...

though i still think you're a man of character. i know of people who've been doing 14 year olds only to wake up and say 'fuck man, she looked 18'

flypig said...

Hmmm this thing is gettingfairly weird. byker7 needs to explain this to me in some detail. Sigh the very least you could do is provide a pic of this unlaid maid. Lets see what u have been missing.

Pi said...

Hi, Flypig.

Byker7 is not to be trusted. He's evil.

Everything he says is maid-up.