"'Truth is strange," you know, "stranger than fiction' - besides being more to the point" - Edgar Allan Poe

July 27, 2005

So the idea is simple. If you want to take over someone's world, you must either be feared, or loved.

Or both, which would make you a maternal uncle.

But there's a catch- you must never, EVER try to be 'cool'. You must always fart when it's least expected, be old (and act your age), play nothing more complicated than freecell, and complain like hell when the nephew plays music that requires six strings and a loud voice. The gray hair must never be dyed out, and walking into the bathroom once he's just left, must not be complained against (natural, what?). The mixing of underwear every thursday mst be tolerated, as must the blocking of the phone line. The latenight leftovers you used to snack on are no longer your property, neither is the exclusive love your mother (his grandma) used to shower on you. The crossword will be long done before you wake, and it's very possible you might get a migraine by hearing too many of the following words- Y'know, chill, cool, whassup, macha, jeez and more.

In exchange for this, the nephew will never touch the HondaCity, despite the drool that must be wiped off the floor everytime he sees it, will not come home drunk, will make no excessive financial demands (coff), act like he's fifteen, and pretend that 'sex' is the plural of 1/60th of a minute. He will make it a point to massage your head when you want it, and say things like "Favourite uncle" every 3 hours. He will make you taste some of the food he tries to cook, and some of it (double coff) will be good. He will sneak in dessert when your wife complains that you're putting on weight, and help you check your email without thinking of you as a troglodyte. He will laugh at all the bad jokes, and strangely look sincere while doing so. And yes, when he says he loves you, he'll probably mean it.